There is nothing even remotely good about prison. It is an awful place; worse than your imagination, worse than on TV and movies. It is not a place anyone should ever be or want to be. It’s not special or romantic or positive in any way.  It’s not a right of passage or normal in any way, I know there are some people who see it that way and that is something we cannot ever understand. There is nothing normal about prison. It is a terribly abnormal situation in which one must quickly adapt and learn to survive. One should be afraid to go there, one should want to avoid any involvement with law enforcement or the department of rehabilitation. If you see an officer you should run for your life.

I only go to the prison because of Sean and he did not choose to go there over 14 years ago. Unlike most of the men there, he did not commit the crime for which he is charged.  Our time together there is only ever ‘good’ because we get to be together but of course we always wish we were somewhere else. Anywhere else. However, if we chose to write about all the horrible things that happen because of the prison nobody would  be interested in reading it because it would make for crummy, depressing writing. We choose to focus on the good things for our own wellbeing. And honestly if we got worked up over everything that they did to us that wasn’t right or wasn’t fair, every bad emotion that they ever made us feel, we would not be able function because it happens literally every day! So in order to survive we have to focus on the positive, you would too if you were stuck living in hell.

A person who has never had a loved one in prison can never fathom what it is to be a trapped inside such a corrupt, evil system. Aside from a small handful of officers who are actually pretty OK,  they all seem to be hating every second of their job and act like it’s their duty to make visitors feel as uncomfortable as possible in hope that they never return. They are cold, cruel, unfeeling monsters. Those in charge lie through their teeth to make things seem OK to the outside. But the truth is that they do not care about making positive changes, having things be fair, or even following their own written regulations. Everything they do is for profit and promotion.

Prison is no joke.  It’s not something to be proud of, it’s not a badge of honor as other people seem to think in some cultures. We are not those type of people. Prison will change you fundamentally as a person. Prison will make you hard where you were once vulnerable. It will take everything you have if you allow it, I’ve seen it with my own eyes more than once. Prison will take what you value most and hold it hostage over you and use it against you.  Prison will drive you to the brink of insanity and tear your family apart if you allow it to. It will suck the life out of you and break you if you’re not strong. 

Sean and I can’t wait till he is home an we can live our life the way we want to. We discuss it often.  But until then this is what our life looks like and so we are going to make the best of it. God bless.

GPS coordinates of Corcoran, a wedding gift from my bosses

“I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength” Philippians 4:13